8:48 p.m. - 2008-08-20
Penance
here is the place where I can occupy my time. This is my only safe place right now. I want to write something encouraging. I want to have my writing ability back. But right now all I can do is cry.
The wind is whipping around out there. I am almost comforted by it because it provides noise....but it reminds me of my life. Of the whirlwind I let things get into. I almost wish a tornado would come. I don't even think I'd go for a closet. I want to make the pain go away.
Today I was so distraught I spent a great deal of time thinking about how I could commit suicide. It scared me so much that I was on the way to have myself put in the hospital so that they would watch over me. I was afraid to do that, but after a while, I could see that it might be the only way that I didn't try to numb out the pain. It seemed like hope. But in the end, after the three days...all the same problems would still be there. The time is ticking by so slowly. I've taken something to sleep, but I can't even do that. I will have to try another round of Tylenol PM and hope that will help. I have never felt so lost, so remorseful in my life. I have regretted alot of things, but this I regret most of all. I realize that I've been so confused and let my confusion just take me deeper and deeper into the mess that I've made of my life. If this does anything positive, I know that this is the absolute botton of the barrel. This shadows last year's nervous breakdown. I never thought so much about wanting to end it all to get out of the pain. My kids are the only thing that kept me from going alot further into considering it. Poor Nikki, in Wisconsin is worried sick about me. Christa is concerned but she doesn't know how to help me or understand me. She just acts like she thinks I'm crazy and I feel like I am. I have not been able to rationally think anything out for months and no matter how many drugs they prescribe for me, I still managed to fuck things up totally. I keep thinking about Diana....about our life together. How ironic it is that when I finally get free, and have the chance to explore things....I realize I've lost the only thing I should have ever cared about and I have no desire to continue to explore things. Kim came to the dr's office today with me because she was worried and I appreciated it but I didn't want to be with her.... I know it has to hurt that she realizes that I will never stop loving Diana....I don't care what happens...and she has been pretty decent not to jab me so at least I can be happy for that. I couldn't take any more of that.
I don't know how long it will take to even begin to feel again.
I screwed up so many things today. I gave back way too much money twice. The union rep even came in to talk to me, and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her. I can't eat. My supervisor called my kids and I was so angry for him doing that. I didn't want anyone to know except my sister and she has been so supportive. I didn't want to go anywhere but home. I just want to be here, alone. I just want to sleep and block out all the pain. If there was any night I would have needed someone here it is tonight. A part of me is afraid of a number of things. Afraid I'll wake up and have another dream that just brings more pain. Afraid that something will happen with the storm and I won't know what to do with it. I had to count the deposit 15 extra minutes today I was shaking so badly.
It's a little scary knowing that things could go south and a tornado could pop up. It is scary and comforting at the same time. I lost two contacts today crying so hard. I finally found one, but had already stepped on it...and had to see with one eye. I'm a total mess. I miss my friend. I miss my life. I miss feeling good about myself. I don't know if I'll ever feel good about myself again. I've made SO many mistakes, stomped on so many people. I've left people and never looked back. But it's not that easy this time. I feel sick to my stomach. I have smoked so many cigarettes that my chest hurts. I know that is another escape but it is the only thing that gives me some sense of relief right now. And sitting out there and watching the storm, feeling the spray on my body. Feeling like my soul is like the storm....tossed around, swirling. Uncontrollable devastation.
I think I can make it through the night. My coworkers were very supportive and wanted me to check into the hospital. Maybe that would be the right thing. But for now I'm going to stay here. Seeing through the blur of my contacts, is the way I've seen my tear soaked contacts reminds me of my elife. If I can clear that...there will be hope. If not, I'm in for the fight of my life.... I have thought of suicide before but only in passing. I spent the whole morning contemplating it. Teresa and Ron at work gathered around me this afternoon and I was hyserical. They made me leave the building and sit outside until I could gather myself enough to come inside. I had to go in and close out my drawer or they would have had major problems. I never knew just how difficult that would be. I tried to wait on customers but just ended up crying in front of them. While being supportive, Ron said "you have to get yourself straight" Randy just said "You are going to be ok, and dismissed my feelings as trival and it frustrated me so much I said "fuck you" as he walked away. I am so grateful that they are supportive but feel like such a failure. I can't look anyone in the eye. I have done myself in in a horrible way. I am paying penance....I can certainly see why people are pushed to suicide. If it were not for my kids I don't know what I would have done today......
