5:11 a.m. - 2008-08-21
Made it through most of the night
I finally stopped crying at least long enough to get some sleep. Slept so soundly that I couldn't even hear the phone. Now I'm awake again. I'm just feeling numb. I feel ashamed of how low I got yesterday and I think it scared the shit out of me enough that I won't go there again. What would that have done to my kids. I know they don't understand me. God knows, who could. But they would never recover if I had done something to myself. It just felt so hopeless yesterday. I don't know how much help I can get. I am seeing two shrinks, and have gotten all the medication that I can have. I never could be alone before, but knowing that I survived last night....I think it will get easier.
I just spent some time looking over the photo album. That is some progress. I wanted to throw everything away yesterday. The pain was just too great. And now, numb is better than just feeling like life wasn't worth living. I do need help. I need to help myself. Part of my problem is that I can't look myself in the mirror. I see someone who has been unstable, who has done things I always regret. I see someone who has hurt so many people. I don't see the good things, all I see is someone who has ruined her life over and over again, and taken people down with her every time. I need to sleep some more, but once I'm up, it's usually futile.
I know that Diana could never give me another chance. And I know that everyone thinks I'm crazy to even wish for that. How many chances can you give someone? I've not shown anyone any reason that I could ever be trusted again. That is something I'm going to have to work through. I know that things will continue to be very dark for a long time. I have to recover. I have three kids who need me. It really sucked yesterday that they called my kids from work. I wanted so much to get through things without them knowing. They too are getting tired of trying to help me through this.
I have never thought so much about my life and which direction I want it to go. I have screamed out to God. He/she must have heard me because at least the crying has stopped. But the pain remains. I hope I can hold it together at work today. I only have a half day and if I can get through that then I can come home again. If this has done anything positive for me, it has shown me that I can stay alone. And if things get that bad again, I WILL go to the hospital and get the help I need, as quietly as I can and hope not to get anyone else involved in it. I know my boss just tried to help me but it only made things worse. I worry about my job. They say they are supporting me but how long can they watch me self destruct at work without consequences. I've been well warned. Ron and Randy were sympathetic, but nobody can understand what I feel except me. My sister has been there if I need her and that has been a great comfort. If any light is at the end of the tunnel, its that this will bring us closer.
I don't want to find another person to fill this void. And I guess that is a good thing too. I was really able to see clearly about that. I can't move on for a long while, until I can forget Diana. It would just be a rebound. I don't want to do this to anyone else. If that means being alone for however long that takes....I am prepared to do that. I know I have at least Jim and Leta. They are the only people I know won't judge and will be there for me whenever I need it. Kim would be there too....but it's not her time to console me. She was smack dab in the middle of all this confusion I'VE caused. And while I can't blame her for it, I am an adult and lured her in, I wouldn't be here if it were not for involving myself with her. It was too debilitating to sway back and forth. It took too much life from me. And I want that life back. I want to feel good again. And I want it to STAY this time.
I feel like such a failure but hopefully that will get better with each passing day. I know this is a new day, and each new day brings new chances for me to change the things that nearly killed me. It's not even a day at a time, it's minute by minute. Force myself to smile more. Force myself to find other activites to keep my attention. I am so proud that I didn't accept the pot the other night and also that I didn't drink last night when everything was crashing down around me. That is something to feel good about, even if its the only thing right now. I am not hopeless....I can do life right. I can control my emotions. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and this pain. Grow up. I'm nearly 50 and while there is no "time frame" I think that it's high time that I act like one.
One minute at a time.
