2:16 p.m. - 2008-08-21
What have I done to my life
What do you do when you know you've given up the very thing that meant the most to you? How do you overcome that... I have had so many regrets in my life but nothing I ever thought would hurt so much. I have been like the little boy crying wolf. Nobody believes me now. That is why life feels so useless. I have learned so much. I want to be alone. I have only my sister to lean on, and I don't even want to go there. I don't want to see anyone because all I can do is cry. I KNOW that I could make things work again with Diana but it just came too late. I've said this all before and that is why nobody believes me but this time in so different. I have had time to really take a hard look at my good times with Diana, realize that the good times were well worth working through. The times that troubled me so much were evaporating. She was trying to change. And I had seen that in her. I watched her embrace my kids the last time we went up there. She wanted to set boundaries. She wanted to start as friends and work toward more if I could get straight. And now all that is gone. Oh God how I've prayed for just a little glimmer of hope so I can prove to her how much she means to me and how I can be what she needs. But nobody can believe me because I have cried wolf too many times. I am so ashamed. I am so distraught I cannot eat. I just throw up what I eat and my stomach keeps growling. I wanted to lose weight but this is certainly not the way I wanted it to go. I have tried praying, reading, but I can't concentrate on the words long enough to stop crying. Oh God how much I would give to have just that little hope that I can show her that I am worth her love. I know she still loves me, but she is trying so hard to get over me, and I know that will happen. I know that I will never get over her. I have had my eyes opened to the reality that I will never hold her again, never get the opportunity to tell her how loved she is...never have the opportunity to hear her call me Sweetpea and whisper sweet nothings to me. I have gone over and over all the good memories that we had and I have looked at our pictures until I can memorize every detail. I have read old diary entries just to get a feeling of the love that we once had. I know these things don't help me get over her but I don't want to. I want to try and convince myself that time can heal US and that we might have the slimmest chance to work on regaining what we have. I feel like an idiot even entertaining this thought after all I've done to her but it is all that gets me through. If I knew that there is no hope, and I could not hold on to that, I don't know how I would survive. Nobody believes how badly this is hurting me and how regretful I am. Nobody believes how hard I would work to make her the happiest she's ever been.....work to find all those things that brought us joy. Riding bikes together, Kayaking, cooking for people, sitting out by the fire looking at the stars, camping, I could just go on and on, but the tears are flowing and I just want to go take enough medicine to go to sleep. Sleep is the only sanctuary now.
What have I done to myself. I wanted to kill myself yesterday but today I just know that I'm killing myself slowly already with this pain. And I don't see it going away any time soon. People keep telling me that I will survive....and it pisses me off because they don't understand. Nobody can understand.
What have I done to my life....
