12:22 p.m. - 2008-08-19
thoughts for the day
Home from work. They anticipated a slow day and I jumped at the chance to get off. I didn't sleep much last night.
I visited Dad's gravesite. Today would have been his 80th birthday. It was sad....I didn't stay too long. I just talked a little with him. I wish we'd had more quality time....wish I'd made the effort to see him more, to really talk with him more before that last year. But I'm so glad we did have that last year and a chance to repair so much. I told him that I hope he would still accept me after all the mistakes I've made. I know he would still love me but he was a hard man. I know he would not be proud of me...and probably pretty disgusted.
It's been a hard few days. I have been pretty depressed. I went to see the therapist today. I had to pay for the missed appointment for last week since it was cancelled at last notice. when I saw her I started out with "I don't really even know why I'm here, I just thought I needed to be." Penny talked softly, with compassion to me. She expressed what I've already figured out. I need to give up ALL the substances. I need to not only give up the drugs, and alcohol, but the need to fill my life with someone who is in fact another drug of some kind. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and be ok with that. Not comfortable, she told me it would probably be a couple of months of mourning Diana, but I would survive. I know its true, but it's just so painful right now. I don't feel like filling my day with things to do. I just feel like sleeping, or smoking. And smoking is definitely another drug. But it's the only thing I find comforting right now and i can't give it up yet. I just spend all my time wishing things were not the way they are. I find myself with so many regrets and so much shame for the way I've condducted my life. I can't move on because I can't yet get over Diana. I don't know when that will happen. Deep down I know it will, but right now it seems like an impossibility. Despite the anguish I've put her through, and she put me through there are so many good memories. So much love still there. I have wanted to pick up the photo album she gave me and look through it but I just can't do it. It's too hard. I don't know why I do that kind of shit. Maybe deep down I want to punish myself for my actions. At any rate, I HAVE to force myself to get busy and do something today or I'm just going to spiral back to where I was last June. I'm going to have to drag to the gym, and maybe go see a movie. It's hard to be alone. I have to do it. It's the hardest work I've ever done. But it will be the best teacher I've ever had if I follow through. I need to FEEL the pain. I need to learn from it.
I got word "confidentially" that there are major changes, major shifts coming for the post office in the next two years. The person cautioned me against doing ANYTHING that they could come down on me for. It's very scary. I don't need that to add to my depression.
I bought some camping gear half off and I'm looking forward to a weekend of camping Labor Day. I don't know if I'll be going alone, but I suspect I will be. I have never tried anything like that before, with the exception of the trip to Sedona...but I look forward to it. Peace, time to read and write, and more time to think. By then I should be on more solid ground. And if I can do it, and enjoy it....that will be a great reward and accomplishment. I am already feeling a little better just thinking about it.
You never know what road you're gonna go down....but hopefully the next road is a bit smoother.
Gonna go sleep for now, if I can.
Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.
There are always difficulties arising
which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.
To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
