6:08 p.m. - 2008-06-28
spinning out of control, already
Well, Hoffman is over. It felt like a whirlwind of activity, change, growth, and a very special experience in many, many ways. What I quickly learned when I emerged from the protective cocoon was that I had only scratched the surface in removing the demons that swirl round in my head.
The minute we drove away from Hoffman, there was already immense negativity at work. One gal was holding us up because she decided to return to her cigarettes when we needed to depart. I later experienced a whole range of emotions when I was fearful of missing my connecting flight. I felt weak, and vulnerable.
I know there's no magic pill. I know that habits learned over a lifetime take much more time than a week to clear out. But today I'm feeling just about as bad as I ever did. And I have nobody to blame but myself.
I am alone at a very beautiful resort, the recommended way to finish the week, and reflect Except I'm not reflecting, I'm obsessing. I've had more uncertainty running round in my soul than I had prior to leaving and I just don't know where it's coming from or how to stop it. I did race to the pharmacy to fill the script that Dr. Winters gave me after making the determination that I was bi-polar. I couldn't start the meds fast enough. I have been in my head all day, and let me tell you it's not a pretty place.
I tried to review some of the material, listen to the cd's but I'm so damn tired from the red-eye that I fell asleep every time. Crisis loves tiredness.
I laughed with my classmates when we were asked about visualizing our return to our homes. I said "I have a little trouble with that, I'm kind of without a home right now."
Diana was reading ALL my email. She managed to get a glimpse of my password over my shoulder and has been regularly monitoring it. So when she saw me reveal to Kim that my heart was totally drawn to her, it was time for me to go. She was even kind enough to pack my stuff for me. I was relieved, once again, not to have to make a decision. I was looking forward to Hoffman, enjoying my time with Kim before I left, feeling very strong with her support and love.
Diana won't talk to me at all. Or email me, except for "business" reasons. I feel lost that they ties were completely severed. I am so confused about everything that I am feeling. I am unsure about every move I make. When I was at Hoffman, I got many confirmations that Diana and I were not the right fit. I felt very comfortable that I had a real shot with Kim at a life that was authentic, a life where I could be myself and be appreciated for that. I felt secure. Now I'm feeling lost and lonely, and confused. I had a real hard time going past Alcatraz yesterday on the bus. I further tortured myself by looking at pictures of us on myspace, etc. I felt so sad....so regretful that something didn't change BEFORE things got so crazy that would have made me stay. The last two weeks she was all about being everything that she knew she hadn't been to me, invalidating everything that made it so easy to run. But by that time, Pandora's box was open so wide, my feelings had gone so far south, toward Kim that I couldn't force the opportunity for a second chance. I don't want to know that I did the wrong thing. But there is really no way to be sure of that, is there? There is, once again, no safety net waiting for me here. I've gone over things again and again. I've thought back to the feelings I had when I knew Craig was moving on, and how desperate I felt about that. Then I got over it pretty quickly and realized that I had in fact done what I really wanted to do and had no regrets except for the pain I caused my son/kids. I wish I had that confidence now. And now, that I've got two people hanging in the balance, or I should say one, because I do believe that Diana is done with things, and moving on.....I am fearful of further hurting another precious person that I really do love. I don't trust myself. I have had thoughts ranging from wanting to get totally smashed to much worse. I have talked to my sister a couple of times today, the only saving grace. She knows what I'm going through and is trying to help me get up off my pathetic ass and just take care of myself. But all I want to do is just take a Xanax and go to sleep. Get away from it all. I'm tired, and I'm not helping things ruminating over this for hours.
And its pouring outside so I can't even enjoy the beautiful amenities here. Ironic huh? The utopia I sought here, is turning into my prison. I thought about returning home, but to WHERE????
I am going to go and TRY to listen to the cd's one more time. And maybe sleep for a while too. I still am not caught up on what I missed yesterday.
