10:14 p.m. - 2008-06-08
Gay Days at Disney!
God, I'm so exhausted but I had to get something down tonight.
I've been tearing through all the pages of pre-process information for the Hoffman Institute. I'ts been emotionally draining. It's so centered around my parents and how I've adopted the negative aspects of their personalities, etc. It's painful going through all those memories and I'm really surprised that I remember so little of so many years. I do feel I made peace with Dad before he died, but I can't deny the extreme influence he had over me, both bad and good. I got my craziness from him, but I also learned compassion. I have conducted myself in ways so like him that it scared me and I have found generosity in me that could have only come from him. I know that we all do the best we can with what we have at the time, or at least we think we do. I want to be better. I want to be able to trust myself and right now I can't. I'm constantly heading down a path of destruction, full speed. I don't know truthfully, if that will ever change and it scares the hell out of me.
Having said that, there were some bright spots this weekend. We went to Gay Days at Disney. It was so incredible being able to hold Diana's hand....and see so many other "family" members. I was a little anxious about how militant, or expressive some might be but I honestly observed nobody doing anything inappropriate. The most startling thing I saw was one guy who had a Parasol, big white glasses, and a purse that had a beautiful tiara on it. Flamboyance, not disrespect. Lots of folks just being themselves, expressing their individuality, and having a good time. We had a blast. It was the first time I've gone to a theme park without an agenda. We got some great pictures and met some really nice people.
One woman we talked with in line, volunteered her son's life story to us. This is SO something I would do..lol She'd brought him to Florida with his brother and friend for Gay Days...to further support him in his lifestyle and try and find support FOR him. He had an accident with a butane lighter that left him disfigured from the waist up and his best friend frequently tells him that "nobody will ever want him". He's tried to commit suicide twice and his mother sounded like she's in the fight of her life to keep him from succeeding. I just felt so bad for him. We waited for Mom to get off the ride so that we could meet him and I have to admit I was scared of what I'd see and how my eyes would react regardless of how my heart felt. When we walked toward him, I immediately relaxed. Yeah, I could see he'd been through some issues...but this kid was handsome, pleasant, and my heart just ached. He's only 21, so much of life ahead of him, and surely people who will be able to look beyond his disfigurement to see the person behind the scars. Oh, how I hope he will hold on, and realize that. His brother was adorable as well, both gay. Mom was so cool about it all. Even told us his grandparents were instrumental in starting a support group at the local college years ago. But life can be so tough. It's tough for me and I'm 50. I can't even imagine being 21 again.
Well, it's early to work, and Di leaves in the morning for NJ. Better head to bed.
