Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

7:30 p.m. - 2008 05/23
We're Off!!
Well, we�re heading out of town. Just stopped into Burger King for some sandwiches. It�s been a good ride so far. Lots of talking, making baby steps toward resolution we need so much. She�s trying to understand how I could have taken the most precious gift she has to offer me and treated it like so much trash. I�m trying to understand that myself. These patterns that repeat themselves over and over have to stop before it kills me.

She looks happy here beside me. I know beneath the smile, there�s so much pain but again, she comes back to give me another chance. My last. The wounds are deep, but hopefully they will heal.

I visited Paula today. (one of the �group�). She works a block away. I apologized to her for my involvement in making such a mess of things and her reaction was very humbling. I learned more about the person she is , someone with real kindess and empathy. And she offered me acceptance. It was a huge weight lifted from me. She wanted me to know that we were her friends too, and if we needed her, wanted to hang out with them etc, they would be there for ALL of us. It meant a lot to hear that, although I know her time is limited and Kim IS her friend first and foremost. We are new friends. I cried a lot. She hugged me as I walked toward the elevator. I was so sure she wouldn�t be a �huggy� person, but she surprised me. I joked about it with her and she said �I�m NOT, but you looked like you could use one.� Wow. Good people. I have a lot of hope that when time has passed, and pain has subsided, anything is possible.

I booked the retreat today. I�m both excited and a little anxious about it. Way outside my comfort zone�.rooming with someone I don�t know. I asked the questions I could summon in my mind on short notice�.is it a beautiful place? Do I need a rental car?, and a few others.

I will be staying in San Rafael, and the girl I spoke with said it�s in a rustic canyon. That could mean anything in my mind from dude ranch, to death valley�..because I�m really not sure exactly what that would look like. I�ll have to do some more research. Everything just moved so quickly, and I�m looking forward to this time of self-exploration more than anything I�ve ever done. The ultimate adventure, and probably some of the hardest work I�ll ever do. 8 days with no cell phone, no internet, can�t bring in any reading material of my own. I swear if my therapist had not recommended this, I�d have run like hell by now. Just sounds so much like some kind of brainwashing session. I�ve been down that road before when that great lightening bolt of god smacked me and I was �saved� in the Baptist church, and I have come to know that religion is a drug just as addictive as any other. I want change in my life. I WILL go into this wholeheartedly, and open to the change I know I need. But I don�t want to wander mindlessly out there. because someone told me it was what I needed to do. .

I just glanced over at Di. She looks so great with her new haircut, She just said �Stop looking at me�. ( reminiscent of our first road trip, when she left her life in Pennsylvania and I joined her to drive her stuff down.) That�s all I did all the way to Florida, just sit and drink her in. Another hit for the jukebox. Us, laughing, singing, playing games�..a lot like the stuff we�re gonna do this time. I do love her. I just hope that she will open her heart fully to me again, and someday feel that she can look the other way without thinking she might miss something I do on the sly. I want to be the person who can be trusted.

2 hours down, 4 to 6 to go depending on whether you want to believe mapquest or other peoples input, then we�ll stop for the night. I have the greatest hope and expectation that this trip is gonna be a new beginning. Turtles all the way down�����

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!