10:48 p.m. - 2008-05-22
One with such love, and patience....Who could love me more????
After spending 24 hours of pure hell, and going through the uncertainty that I could endure the pain any longer I am finally feeling clarity that I've longed for.
To begin, let me tell you about yesterday. Once again, my totally inept cheating skills bit me in the ass. Once again, I left evidence that thoughts of infidelity had gone through my heart and mind and had been acted on in small ways.
Diana came to my workplace and I could see from her face that things were not going to be good. She handed me my car keys, and a piece of paper (one of my infamous emails)....the instrument of pain that cast the dagger into her heart that she professed she could not overcome. Two words she spoke hit me like a ton of bricks.
We're done.
It's not like I've heard these words before, but this time instead of relief, I felt desperate, afraid, sick to my stomach. This was not like the conversation I had with Craig where he cut me free so that I could follow my desires to be with Diana.
After much crying, while having to continue my work day and inflicting bewilderment (is that a word..lol) on most of the customers I had to wait on, I headed out to a local bar to drink myself into oblivion. A friend accompanied me but soon Diana was there as well, and again chastising me for "picking the only place to go where she wanted to go have a drink and she couldn't even do that." She continued to stick to her guns and remind me that I'd finally killed us, for once and for all.
This was the perfect opportunity to explore my feelings with Kim. I called her to come there, and to give me a ride home. Hoping for more. And more ensued. Not much, but still creeping just that much closer to what would be the most definite end to any chance I had to work things out with Diana. I was torn. There is love in my heart for both these women. There are things I find so wonderful and unique in both of them. But ultimately, as much as I tried to convince myself that I might have a future one day with Kim, we both know that we are too much alike to be a good match. We have a purpose for being in each other's lives. We are meant to be special friends, to grow old together as women who have weathered life's difficulties, shared and grown together. Not as partners. We are meant to laugh, and to have good times, and enjoy the things in each other that we have in common. We are meant to have something that lasts, not something that feels good for the moment....but could ruin the chance of more, of a deep friendship. That is worth really worth so much more to me than scratching an itch. Especially when my head is so fucked up.
So fast forward to tonight. I stopped in for just ONE drink. Still thinking, still trying to figure out a way to have it all. Still feeling consumed with guilt, and fear, and not being able to look myself in the mirror without huge guilt and shame.
I came home and began to talk with Diana. She was calm. We discussed things and I told her I was pretty despondent, lost, and unsure that I wanted to go on this vacation with her. My horrific experience last year with the vacation is so vivid to me that I could only fear that things would end up so badly once again. I can't take more tears from her. I can't watch her heart be torn to shreds with each careless, inconsiderate act I embark on to try and get my life just where I want it at all costs. When I don't have a clue where that could be.
Di suggested calling our therapist and see if she could see me on an emergency basis. She said yes, and we were off. I was unsure of how honest I'd be able to be with her, but it didn't take long to began to relax and feel human and take a hard look at where I am and where I want to go.
Penny wants me to give up the substances and is seriously urging me to go to NA. I could feel the resistance welling up in me. Would I be the fun Kim, the bold Kim, the entertaining and engaging Kim without it? Can I stand to be "vanilla" at least until I settle into who I really am. It's been a while since I knew that person.
I did agree to take a two week break prior to seeing the psychiatrist who will work with me to see what meds might help me. She mentioned possibly bipolar meds, but said that I need to be straight to be correctly evaluated. I need to put these addictions aside at least long enough to get some help in that area. The impulsiveness....the destructive behavior.....it has to stop. Next time I'm really down, I might not stop before doing something that I really regret, or don't live to regret but inflict so much pain on everyone around me, good people who don't deserve this kind of agony.
She enthusiastically mentioned an 8 day retreat called the Hoffman Quadrinity Process. She told me it was a lifechanging experience for her but it is very costly. I told her that I had the money to do it and if she thought it could help me know myself in a way that I could make sound decisions and move forward in a healthy manner, I was all for it.
I came home and looked at the website and was blown away. This is just what I need. I've been wondering where to look for help. I can't trust myself, and I need to be able to do that. I need to feel comfortable in my own skin and that is something I've longed for my whole life. So much baggage and pain, so many experiences that I feel have reduced me to someone who is not worthy of being loved. And then to continue to seek that person who will make me feel special, and worthy....rather than find those qualities in myself....it's just crippling.
I'm making the reservation for June 20-27 and I'm very hopeful. Very optomistic. And I'm very much in awe of a beautiful woman who loves me enough to know all now, everything that I've hid in those dark corners of my mind. I just can't lie. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe the last good thing I had left going for me. And she looked at me and smiled and said, I'm here to support you. I want us to be together. I believe we can overcome this.
Penny says that any drastic decisions must be made after I go through this process and give the meds time to work. Diana is willing to wait. She is definitely worth it. I know of no other I've ever been with who could be so patient and understanding through a veil of such utter pain and heartbreak. But she loves me. More than anyone else will ever love me.....
I just want to love myself, so that I am able to return that love, to feel life in a jubilant, fresh way without the constant need to self medicate.
San Rafael......Look out!!!!! California....here I come! I know this is going to be the most interesting experience in my life and certainly the greatest adventure. And I do so love a good adventure. But more than that, I may come home alot lighter, freer. Able to find out who Kim really is, and to like that person.
And if we all learn from this, and friendship IS what we are meant to have...then there is definitely hope for that. Diana and I discussed that as well. But only if things can be worked through to the satisfaction that this can never, ever happen again.
