Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

11:29 p.m. - 2008-05-20
Where do we go from here......
Ok....it's been another rough day. It was chaos all day long, busy at work and me worried that I'll have everything wrapped up before vacation. Listening to the stories from Dianne, who is dealing with an impossible situation with her failing mother. But some bright spots....reconnecting with customers I had not seen in two years, since i left the GMF. I was loved....and missed. I am beginning to become the enthusiastic clerk I was there for the first time in two years. I'm reaching out more to customers, and trying to think of others. If I can do that, I can stop thinking of myself so much.

I am standing at the crossroads of my life. I am many people, and nobody I can depend on. I have let people down, and I have once again proved untrustworthy. I have possibly marred a very good friendship and possibly scarred a very good relationship beyond repair.

I want to move forward, I really do. But my honestly is crippling. My need to make everything right in my head, to enable me to move on and function on a daily basis free of guilt and shame, has in turn caused me to feel even more guilty and shameful.

I was brutally honest tonight with Diana. I admitted that I dropped by to see Kim. I told her that I confirmed that there could be a friendship there without the physical stuff. She is hurt, and understandably so because I was not forthcoming in telling her I was going there. I totally see how I've damaged her. I probably only spent minutes there......I left vowing that we'd be friends no matter what. I intend to keep that promise even if it's only in my heart. There is a connection there. I cannot deny it and I don't want to.

But my place is with Diana. I want to help her to heal. She doesn't want to deny me friends that I need. She still feels that way. But she doesn't know how long it will be until this happens again with another person. She doesn't feel that I can be trusted with her heart and I don't know if she can overcome it. I don't know if I can convince her that it won't happen again. I don't even trust myself. I do know though that for the first time, I proved a person of some integrity. I had chances on numerous occasions to take things to the next level but my heart would not allow me to do so.

That's got to be a start. God, let me grow up and for once, be what someone else needs not just taking what I need. Let me make someone else feel worthy instead of robbing them from the security they need so much.

I'm feeling pretty damn sad. I had fleeting thoughts of permanent escape which is I guess somewhat natural given my constant failure to be faithful to the fullest extent.

What in the hell is wrong with me......

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!