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11:29 p.m. - 2008-05-20 I am standing at the crossroads of my life. I am many people, and nobody I can depend on. I have let people down, and I have once again proved untrustworthy. I have possibly marred a very good friendship and possibly scarred a very good relationship beyond repair. I want to move forward, I really do. But my honestly is crippling. My need to make everything right in my head, to enable me to move on and function on a daily basis free of guilt and shame, has in turn caused me to feel even more guilty and shameful. I was brutally honest tonight with Diana. I admitted that I dropped by to see Kim. I told her that I confirmed that there could be a friendship there without the physical stuff. She is hurt, and understandably so because I was not forthcoming in telling her I was going there. I totally see how I've damaged her. I probably only spent minutes there......I left vowing that we'd be friends no matter what. I intend to keep that promise even if it's only in my heart. There is a connection there. I cannot deny it and I don't want to. But my place is with Diana. I want to help her to heal. She doesn't want to deny me friends that I need. She still feels that way. But she doesn't know how long it will be until this happens again with another person. She doesn't feel that I can be trusted with her heart and I don't know if she can overcome it. I don't know if I can convince her that it won't happen again. I don't even trust myself. I do know though that for the first time, I proved a person of some integrity. I had chances on numerous occasions to take things to the next level but my heart would not allow me to do so. That's got to be a start. God, let me grow up and for once, be what someone else needs not just taking what I need. Let me make someone else feel worthy instead of robbing them from the security they need so much. I'm feeling pretty damn sad. I had fleeting thoughts of permanent escape which is I guess somewhat natural given my constant failure to be faithful to the fullest extent. What in the hell is wrong with me......
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