10:04 p.m. - 2008-05-12
Round and round and round she goes....
Winding down from another long day. We just got in from babysitting Mom. She's doing so well, it's a relief to see it. She did manage to talk Diana into giving her a pack of cigarettes. My sis will go crazy if she finds out. Di refers to herself as Mom's daughter-in-law, and mom doesn't seem to mind. It still amazes me that Mom has responded so well to our relationship. It's lucky for me that she got to know Diana on the trip or things would probably still be a little rough.
Diana is really trying with the kids. It was great yesterday when we visited Christa. She was interacting with them and vice-versa. Very encouraging. She's really making an effort and I appreciate it.
I remember as a child thinking when I was grown, I'd know it all. All the mysteries of the universe would just unfold before me. I had no idea at 50, I'd still be learning so much about myself and others. I hope that this is just the tip of the iceberg and I continue to experience the newness of life, and weather the storms well.
It's been pretty stormy for the last week. I got carried away with feelings that led me down a really dangerous path. Luckily I steadied myself before I fell completely off the cliff. I owe many thanks to a very good friend who had the good sense to help me make the right decision. Impulsive should have been my middle name. For those two or more of you who have followed my escapades from the beginning, you are aware of this already.
One thing I happily discovered is that should Diana and I ever break up, I would in fact want to be with another woman. NOT a man. Women can present so many challenges but I still believe the pros outweigh the cons. I'm old enough not to give a shit who thinks what about my sexual preference. I'd wondered about this ever since I started playing for the other team....would I ever go back to men. Sadly, most men are so far out in left field, so unable to really relate compared to the women I've met the choice is pretty simple. I don't even look at men the same way anymore. I do however notice women constantly. I enjoy women. I LOVE women. I just have to work really hard to assure that this relationship, should it break up....will be because of mutual understanding that we just are not going to be able to work through the rough spots. I don't want to continue to gravitate from one relationship to another, leaving a trail of carnage behind me.
I'm thinking of doing more things alone. I've wanted to have more "me" time since we got together but for fear of not being the person that Diana needs me to be, I've held back. She knows that I need space, and is encouraging me to take what I need. I have to be true to myself, first and foremost. I might do a weekend camping by myself....kayaking etc. I will never forget the wonder of my trip to Sedona, my drum circle visit, etc. I love embarking on adventures and get alot of satisfaction knowing that I don't need another person around to have a good time. That could very well come in handy in the future...lol
Savannah was full of fun, food, and fear. I'll have to elaborate more on that another time. Definitely a place I want to visit again. So many things to do. Highlight was the couples massage. It was great seeing Diana enjoy her first. She said she got off on watching my gal rubbing me down. Hoo RAH! That guarantees there will be many more!
Busy day at work with the rate change. I was totally checked out emotionally last week, and totally unprepared for today. To add to my frustration, nothing had been kept up while I was gone and a ton of supplies were waiting to be added to inventory. I cried in my phone this morning and destroyed yet another one. I spilled tea down the front of my uniform. I didn't put makeup on and looked like death warmed over. And Mr. Personality walks by my postal window and says "Smile, Kim....It can't be that bad." I lost it. I burst out in a round of raucous laughter, very very exaggerated, then asked..."Is that better?" How fucking presumptuous of the jerk! He didn't know if my mother had died, or I'd just left a partner, had no idea WHAT the hell was going on with me. I know he meant well, but it just sent me over the edge and I ranted for a good 5 minutes about it.
NO MORE MEN! NEVAHHHHHHH
