8:07 p.m. - 2007-10-14
FALL IS HERE! (SAD moves in.....)
Extremely nice evening tonight. Fall is definitely in the air and we saw some really nice Halloween decorations out tonight. It should be one of those nights that makes you feel so good, so why do I feel so bad?
The change of seasons is difficult for me. I miss the warmth of summer, and the frenzy of activty. Everything slows down, and darkness sets in. I'm feeling very blue.
It wasn't a great weekend with Zach. He pretty much hid out in my office on his computer. Our plans to see a movie fell through, twice. My highlight of the weekend was our ride home tonight. We talked so much and covered so many topics I usually struggle to find. So maybe I just have to get used to only getting brief glimpses into his true self. He is, after all 15 years old and God knows I didn't want to spend "quality" time with my parents, or at that rate, ANY time with them. so a 45 minutes non-stop conversation should be a definite step in the right direction.
He brought up gay pride stickers, asking me if there were stores that sold only that type of merchandise. I was surprised we had any conversation that revolved around gayness...another step in the right direction. Still, I miss the day to day connection tonight more than I have in a long time. I wasn't close to him for the last few years, but at least HE was close.
It doesn't help that Diana is leaving for a week tomorrow and I don't feel like being around anyone tonight. I know she needs closeness and I just feel like being alone. I feel guilty for that.
I have some questions this weekend...
Why do we need 15 different kinds of orange juice in the Tropicana Pure Premium brand ONLY.
How can two girls who share a bathroom have such a SHIT hole but have a shower lined with 15 different beauty products neatly arranged. (daughter's roommates and I must say her bathroom isn't too much better...)
How could anyone have as much enthusiasm about working at a video rental store as the clerk who helped me Friday night. I was blown away by her movie knowledge and helpfulness. She even suggested a future rental that was unavailable that night, then directed me to a card filled with pet products. The store is gathering donations from a wish list from the Humane Society. This woman really made my night. In a video rental store. Making probably $9 an hour. And I got such quality care. Makes me think about how I treat people at my job sometimes.
How difficult is it going to be to continue to balance my new life with my kids? Diana is not going to ever embrace them in the same way that Craig did. It's just not in her. I watched Christa's new beau interract (or NOT interract) with her baby and then thought it's not so different from the relationship we have here at our house. I so wish things were different. Maybe with time.
Enough questions for tonight. I'm tired.
