11:18 p.m. - 2007-07-07
Catching up a bit
It's been some time since I've written. And Some Time it has been.
It all started with our beloved vacation in May. A long awaited trip to California. A few days in San Fran, and the remainder in a lovely hotel near Santa Monica beach.
I survived the first half of the vacation pretty well. Enjoyed San Fran especially being there at the Golden Gate bridge, Fisherman's Wharf, etc. Took a trip to the wine country, again, beautiful. But the moment I set foot in that swanky hotel in Santa Monica it was like the darkest, most evil cloud set in and it didn't stop, even after our return home. I couldn't WAIT to get home to familiar surroundings.
Upon returning, I'd had a few miserable days where I began to question anything and everything about my existence. I eventually ended up in bed, unable to eat, just crying and sleeping. Hell, I was unable to do much of anything but worry about what in the hell I was going to do and why I had to continue living in this way. I contemplated suicide frequently, each time dismissing it when thinking of my children and those who love me. Also, knowing that no matter how badly things were going, there was no way to know what lay ahead for me and most likely it wasn't nearly as bad as I figured.
I called my therapist and got an emergency visit. I got some Xanax and went back on Lexapro. My therapist assured me that if I loved Diana before the trip, the love would return. I hoped she was right. And I can thankfully say that after 5 weeks of the Lexapro, I feel rather ridiculous for questioning things that way in the first place. I guess what i was experiencing was (or so my therapist says) mourning over the lost relationship. Diana and I moved so quickly and were on such a high, that I never did that at the appropriate time. And now, that things have settled somewhat with me....it set in. Big time. I began to ruminate the "what if" scenario. It haunted my every waking moment. I woke in the middle of the night and had to take a Xanax to get back to sleep. Of course the what if can't be altered at this time because my ex is marrying his new love August 1. But all through the vacation I thought of my son, "Zach would love this, or that" and missed him terribly, thinking of vacations from years past. I dreamed of him one night and I could see his face when he heard the news about me leaving and watched his emotions unfold...crying, helplessness. It was so real, so upsetting.
After navigating this period of confusion, I am happy to say that things are back on track, if not better than before. I am very peaceful, settled, optimistic about my future with Diana. I am in better financial shape than I've been in the whole 15 years I was married to the ex. I have been traveling and having a very good time (with the exception of the California trip of course). We go to NJ/Atlantic City next week. I love Diana with all my heart and she was a rock during this time of utter confusion and uncertainty. She took care of me in a way no one has ever taken care of me before. She loves me more than I could ever dream anyone would love me.
But I think from now on....I have to stay on the damn antipressants. I was so fearful of our first lovemaking since resuming, but was able to "make it home" the first time. Wasn't so lucky the last try or two but I think I'll choose sane with no orgasm right now rather than orgasm with no mind.
And BTW.....Ex who? My mind played alot of nasty tricks on me but bottom line, if ex walked up to me right this moment and said "I've changed my mind, want you back, please return" I'd have to pass. I feel nothing for him physically. I think what I was really missing was the sense of "family" and the things we all did together back when things were good. Both of us are with people now that are much better for us. I wish him all the best in his new marriage.
Work has been much better for me too. I hated being forced into the job that I'm in when it happened but what a blessing that has turned out to be. Things went to shit at the other place, my former workplace and now I'm in high cotton where I am. I love, love, love the people I work with, there's no drama. I guess things really DO happen for a reason.
Been going to church lately. Diana doesn't really believe, but agreed to go, and enjoys the "peace" she feels there. It's Unity church, very openminded so I don't feel like I'm going to be pounded with an anti-homosexual sermon or anything. I feel like we are making our way toward new friendships. Actually attending a group tomorrow for a pot luck sponsored by the OWLS.....older wiser lesbians. Should be interesting since we know NOBODY there. Just found out about them at the gay pride event here. I'm game for anything that broadens our circle. Sometimes just the two of us gets a little lonely even with the kids dropping in from time to time.
That's what's been going on. Grandson getting bigger, cuter, smarter every day. Daughters both doing well. Son, well, he's not setting the world on fire, but he's only 15 and GOD I hate to think of what I was doing then...... He's still a pretty darn good kid.
