9:52 a.m. - 2007-01-25
Leaving New Orleans Today
The day we leave and it's fucking sunshiney outside. It has been drizzly. nasty, absolutely gross prior to this. It did clear enough for us to take the ferry last night and catch a glimpse of the New Orleans skyline. Beautiful. Afterward some hearty BBQ and a walk down Bourbon St. It's funny seeing it so dead. In just a few weeks you won't be able to move.
I took a 3 hour tour yesterday. Or it was supposed to be a 3 hour tour. The bus picked me up at 1:30, tour started at 2 and by 5 I was ready to get off. But it was the tour that just wouldn't end. I felt like screaming, like if I heard the guy point out one more iron fence or set of marble steps, I'd jump from my seat and strangle him. We spent a good deal of time driving through the areas that are vacant now after the storm. It was macabre, but didn't shake me as bad as I thought it would. Lots of people have brought little trailers onto their property and are beginning to remodel. Still miles and miles of houses nobody will ever inhabit again. What a mess. You could see water lines still on the roofs of some of them....other luckier ones were only a foot or two from the bottom of the dwelling. Major grocery stores, closed...some forever. We looked at the repairs to the levee. It didn't look so impressive to me but hopefully the corps of engineers know what they're doing. I don't know if I would have ever wanted to return.
The trip was good. I forgot about all my worries for the most part. Now, as I begin to pack up my stuff and just sort of hang out for the remainder of the morning, I am again anxious about facing management in the morning. I hate the way they make you feel like a bad child after "disappointing" them. That damn wanting everyone to like me thing again. I might just call them both into the office and get it over straight-away. Beat them to the punch and tell them up front how much improvement they can expect should I be shopped again. But deep down, I don't know if I really believe that. I have this tendency to be tied to my worries, be it taking them home from work, or to work from home. Does someone with that bad habit ever break it really?
Worry, Worry, Worry. I got that from my dad. I worry about how I've raised my kids, although that's pretty much done. I worry whether Diana will grow tired of someone who is 17 years older. I worry about my worrying.
The wedding seems to be shaping up pretty well. Now all I have to worry about is how I'm going to pay for it. Pre-Diana, I would have just whipped out a credit card for whatever I couldn't afford. Now that she's helping me get on track with my finances there's no more of that. I'm making progress on my 0% Interest card I lumped everything on. So I have to rely on HER bonus money in March. And I don't know how much I can comfortably take from her. I still feel weird about that. It's hard now still paying Craig part of the house payment until it sells. I brought home about $440 last pay check after missing one day without pay to be with Christa when she had the baby. Usually it's a whopping 650. I'm giving Craig $1000 between house and child support.
Consequences. Those damn consequences.
But Diana is worth it. And feeling the connection we have is definitely worth it. I wonder sometimes if this relationship stems from a desire to have a close relationship of some sort with a woman. I've never really had any real girlfriends like that. Mom and I don't have that. It just feels so good to have that kind of connection. Sort of like the eternal slumber party. We bike together, shop together, cook together, watch stuff we both enjoy together......do most everything together. And then sometimes I feel like I'm not being true to myself. When I met her I was on the path to finding who I really was, or so I felt. And now I'm being meshed into someone else. I've temporarily abandoned exploring myself. So there is an element of sadness and desire to find the balance of becoming more of me alone, and being connected to another person. I would never survive at this point if we were to split. I feel as if I would shrivel up and die. And that's not such a good feeling.
