7:12 a.m. - 2006-11-04
UPs and Downs
Moving day will soon be here. Tuesday we move to Port Orange....into the house Diana bought. The gal moves quickly, I tell you...in EVERY area. She keeps saying "our house" but I don't feel very much like it's our house. We both loved it, but until my divorce was final, I could do nothing. I think she's happier it worked out that way. If we split, then it's less messy. I don't think she would admit to that though.
The house is wonderful....nice pool, view of pond with fountain....sound of water hitting water. It should be a very comfortable place to call home. If I can make it feel like home in my heart. I've been struggling lately. There....I said it.
It's really hard to admit that things are so difficult. Our coming together was such a whirlwind of emotion, I sometimes feel I'm just catching my breath. And overall, I have to say its been very good so far. But, all those voices that spoke wisdom to me initially, have come back to haunt me.
It is incredibly hard to live with someone at times, who is so much like me. Diana has voiced that as well. Both our partners in the last relationships were passive, and pretty much let us have our way throughout the duration. Techniques that "worked" before, no longer are functional. And then there are our two MAJOR stumbling blocks. My son, and her continuing relationship with her ex.
I try to be understanding. I sincerely believe that Stacey is the kindest most understanding person in the world to have accepted things as she has and still wants to be my friend. (and NO, I don't think I'm being naive when I say that...or that there are any underlying motives...she's just that real...that good a person). She has stated previously though, that the door will ALWAYS be open for Diana's return should she want it and that "Nobody will EVER love Diana as much as she does". So am I so wrong to want ties severed....at least for now.
Diana has conceded (somewhat reluctantly but willingly) to only answering Stacey's calls...and not initiating them. But I end up feeling like dog shit because she also told me I'm stripping her of her only friend. And deep inside my heart, I do feel that Stacey is a fiercely loyal person (unlike the two of us!) and she would respect our relationship, even though we ripped the life from hers. So we go round and round. Not overtly....but ever so carefully....both of us having our emotions about the issue.
I think truthfully, neither of us had any real sense of what we were getting into. Last night as we settled in for the evening I told her that "We would work out all the bumps in the road". Her response was..."I just wish there weren't so many." I heard a real sense of question there. Up until now, she's always been the one to reassure me that we would get through the difficulties. Now she sounds like her resolve is fading. We both have very distinct memories of being in relationships where the boat didn't rock. Maybe the love wasn't that strong....but the worst thing I had to work through was the lonliness I felt at night when I wasn't feeling "connected" to Craig. The sense that our closeness had changed into something rather dull and unfulfilling. But the rest of it....the day to day life....was pretty easy. The future was pretty clear. Now I feel no sense of security in my future and it's difficult.
All those folks tried to tell me. And I wouldn't hear it. And now I'd never admit to it. I still have my dreams. I'm not willing to wave the white flag yet, by a long shot.
ANd then there's Zach. He is angry, and understandably so. And he's made no secret that he's not fond of Diana. And she has made no secret that she thinks he's a pretty spoiled, manipulative kid. I guess I keep going back to my memories of Craig in the beginning. He was SO patient with the girls. But to be fair....he wasn't getting all the crap Diana has. They were only 6 and 7. But there's this sense of drawn battle lines. I came back the other night from my visit with him and as I walked up the sidewalk to the apartment this horrible feeling came over me.....like I couldn't really share the excitement of a good meeting because I knew my details would be met with a cynical look and even possibly a comment that would send me back into despair regarding Zach. I'm fighting for my relationship with him, and it's really difficult considering we never really had one before this at least for the last few years.
Gotta go. She's packing up like crazy and I feel like I'm shirking.
