6:05 p.m. - 2006-05-19
Tales from a Weary European Traveler
Finally a chance to write about my trip. I'm beginning to feel renewed again. It took a good bite out of my
peace to have to follow such rigid schedules. If you didn't make it to
the bus exactly when you were supposed to (an experience I was lucky
enough to have when I got a little lost. ( but ONLY 4 minutes mind
you!) You were not only scolded by the others waiting, but most likely
caused a delay in the precisely timed activity that was coming next.
Sheesh. Not my idea of relaxation for sure. BUT, having said
that.....I did have some incredible experiences and I am very grateful
to my mother for all the damn money she spent on the trip she really
didn't want with the daughter she'd probably rather not have been
with....haha. By the end of our time together, she had at least gotten
a little more accepting or at least comfortable with who I am. After
the blow-up, one of the ugliest in our history, things settled into a
nice pattern. She spent time with a woman and her daughter that were
pretty mild mannered and more her style. I found new friends and spent
alot of time with them, and also spent alot of time just roaming around
in Munich, Lucernre, and Paris. The last day I was walking from 1 p.m.
until 9 with stops here and there. I took a cruise down the Seine, took
the long walk to Sacre Couer (worth every creak and groan) and allowed
myself to be suckered into having my portrait charcoaled by the smooth
talking, good looking Frechman who ambushed me fairly soon after I
walked out of the cathedral. All very good memories.
My new friends, Diana and Stacey, live in Pennsylvania and are partners.
Diana was very engaging, with a sparkling smile and a quick albeit
sometimes self deprecating wit. We had alot in common and there was an
immediate connection. Stacey was a nice gal too, but more reserved,
extrememly intelligent, a scientist for a pharmaceutical company. Diana
is in testing with the same company. They both pull down around 100,000
a year and have a 4000 square ft. home in the Poconos. They invited me
to visit and as I promised to just as soon as I recoup some of my away
time priveleges with Craig..haha, and some cash (I spent alot more than
I thought I
would....after alll, I was having the time of my life!!) The three of
us
would share a bottle of wine together, trade stories, laugh etc, into
the wee hours. And it was apparent fairly early on that Diana was
attracted to me.
I have had rare occasions, usually under the influence, when the guard
is
totally down, that I've had to admit I was attracted to another woman.
I
am a very passionate person and excited by new experiences. I turned it
over in my mind a few times and decided it wasn't worth the pain it
could cause us all. I liked these gals, and wanted friendship with them
and I wasn't willing to blow it on a wild week in Europe and the
opportunity to
have a new sexual experience. I was just caught up in the moment and
feeling very free. I should have been an adult in the 60's huh?..haha
My mother wants to read what I write about the trip. Unfortunately I
would have to greatly sensor it if I let her. Our problems were
instrumental in causing me alot of pain, as well as alot of realization
about ALOT of things. This trip taught me more about other people AND
myself than anything I've ever experienced.
I had an encounter with a 20 year old girl in Amsterdam that was pretty
cool. I recruited her help in selecting something from a local
coffeeshop that would give me a nice buzz, but wouldn't leave me
crawling back to the hotel room. She was great and I thanked her as I
left with my 9 Euro
purchase. What a bargain! I didn't smoke much but it did greatly
enhance
the ambience as I sat writing by the water. Later I ran into her again
on the street, and I was surprised by the coincidental second meeting.
I told her how much I appreciated her help, enjoyed the "refreshment"
and we talked a bit. I felt tears well up in my eyes when I described
to her how much the beauty of the city had touched my soul. My emotions
were all over the place in light of what I'd been through AND the
extreme case of PMS I'd been
experiencing. She took both my arms and looked me squarely in the eyes
and
said "You are doing JUST what you are supposed to do. Look at you! I
can see the joy in your eyes....JUST LOOK AT YOU!!!! Keep doing what
you are doing! And I hope that one day when I am your age, I am doing
the same!
Living life. "
It seems she had issues too. From a wealthy family, given everything
she ever wanted or needed and being "good at everything she ever
tackled", she confessed that she was very arrogant. Her issue was that
she needed more of a challenge in her life. She was enrolled in law
school and looking forward to the challenges provided in her new career
pursuits. It's funny....the grass always looks greener on the other
side of the fence but in fact it's quite often artificial turf.
I also met another little roly poly lovable English guy on the streets
of Amsterdam who charmed me and cracked me up. One of the revelers
celebrating the soccer games, he would stop our conversation long enough
to sing along with other revelers we passed, the team fight song. He
would beat his chest and say "Football is me life!" We had a beer and I
let him entertain me, sharing bits of myself with him as well. He
walked me back to my hotel room (a miracle in itself as we were both
pretty under the influence and had some trouble finding it...haha) He
was a gentleman and said goodbye and we hugged. I asked him what his
name was, laughing that I'd not gotten it earlier.
Craig.
hahaha
I really let it all go. I blew the alphorn in Lucerne at the folklore
dinner (pretty damn well after practicing last year at the drum circle
on pvc pipe to imitate Didgi playing). I folk danced onstage when one
of the band invited me up. I was very thankful, however, when I was NOT
chosen to yodel. I would not have been so willing to jump up for that.
The food was pretty good, and the chocolate was wonderful and I'm very
glad
to be back home and anxious to start eating healthier again. The only
thing that really saved me was that I walked SO much. Countered some of
the crap I ate.
Mom and I ended on a pretty good note. I just have to realize that we
are blood-kin, not best friends. I will most likely never get what I
want from our relationship. She just doesn't have the tools to make the
transition and she's too old to try to aquire them. Or maybe it's true,
I am just a
selfish bitch who wants everything for myself. Whatever, I have to
accept
what is, and move on. Because I NEVER want a repeat of what happened
this trip. I was immediatly jettisoned back to my teen years and it was
very painful. All the feelings I've kept bottled up spilled out in one
fell swoop. It was not pretty. And every dagger I threw was followed
by one from her back at me that was equally deadly. I felt like I took
50 steps
backward from where my progress has taken me in recent moths. I felt
trapped back in the destructive patterns we engaged in so many years
ago, and the recollection of those days became very vivid and painful.
I also realize now that alot of Daddy's frustration and emotional ups
and downs were probably due to the way she can so effectively push
buttons. I wonder how different he would have been if he'd met someone
that he clicked with the way that Craig and I have clicked. Or how
different she would have been because God knows he was no picnic to deal
with.
So I've been taking advantage of some peaceful wind-down time and doing
little else. It is rejuveniting me quickly! I will try to get Zach out
for a bike ride today, maybe picnic....or maybe a movie later. I want
to spend some quality time with him. He really missed me.
I will NEVER take that kind of trip again. I do appreciate what my
mother did for me. I had alot of fun and alot of pain and alot of
learning. Next time I go overseas though, I will stay a minimum of 4
days in one or two
countries. At least, and maybe more. For a trip of 13 days, I gained
insight that will carry me for the rest of my life. Hopefully I have
made
two friends I will keep for a long time. And it makes me feel great
that I enjoy my own company enough to have such a blast all by myself
wherever I go and am fearless to navigate unknown territory EVEN when I
am language challenged.
I did, on the last night experience the French attitude when two women
in a restaurant that was otherwise empty laughed at me while I was
struggling to get an order in with the non-English speaking Asian gal at
the counter. Not a demure giggle, mind you, but a full blown "You're an
American Idiot", kind of laugh. I flushed and I have to say I didn't
follow your advice about meeting anger with love. haha. I looked up
Bitch on my translator and mumbled it on the way out while giving them a
death stare. Sorry.....some habits die hard.....and don't field
humiliation very well.
For the most part though, everyone was very gracious in each country we
visited. I was impressed. I was also impressed with the conservation
efforts over there. Sure makes us look like cavemen. We are SO spoiled
and wasteful.
I did have one other negative incident. I was sitting in a chair in the
lobby, recovering from my long walk in Paris and chatting with two other
people from the tour. One guy asks me if Stacey and Diana were
partners. I told him that they were and he proceeded to tout his
acceptance for this
alternative lifestyle. Then he started with the "We have Japanese
people
on our tour, and we have Colored Folks"....(yes he DID say that...) and
I cut him off before he was able to finish with "And lesbians." I
curtly asked him "WHERE did you say you are from again?" He was taken
aback, and asked me why. I said "Because that's kind of dark ages stuff
isn't it?"
I hit the target. He was a Mormon from Utah. It all made sense when I
learned that. Stacey and Diana did get a laugh though, when I told
them....stating that maybe they should convert and how nice it would be
to have multiple wives!
I was really saddened by how much the girls have to sensor their
feelings to appease society. I can't imagine going on a trip like that
and having to act like friends rather than lovers. Not that I think PDA
is ok to extreme extents with folks from any sexuall orientation, but
even holding hands or an occasional embrace could have comprimised
their standing with the group.
I got a real first-hand taste of what prejudice really feels like and
I didn't like it a bit. I was ready to jump on Mr. Utah in defense of
my new-found friends.
I'll include pics at a later date or a link to my Ofoto Albums if you'd like to see some of my adventures captured on film.
Right now, I'm gonna lie around like a two-toed sloth for as long as I can get away with it using the Jet Lag/Time change thing for an excuse to do nothing but what I want to do. I might go for a swim, or read. There will be plenty of time tomorrow for housework....
