11:18 p.m. - 2006-03-09
Life, Death and Everything in between
Rosie, I read your entry today and couldn't believe my eyes! I had just spent about an hour outside relaxing and pondering what I would write about tonight. Death was the subject on my mind as well. The recent deaths of Dana Reeve and Kirby Puckett (and I didn't even know about Jack Wild) harshly remind us that life is a precious gift and any day could very well be our last.
I had a very rocky relationship with my father for the first 18 years of my life. I do remember some warm memories of camping trips, eating out at nice restaurants, going to movies, etc. Clouding those somewhat though, are so many memories of terrible arguments. Vivid recollections of standing in front of Mom with my younger sisters trying to keep Dad from hitting her, crying uncontrollably. There are memories of being so embarassed by my father in public that I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. There was even one time, God forgive me, that I looked down at a pistol tucked away in the desk where I sat and wanted to pick it up and just blow him away. He had stumbled into the yard around 3 a.m. and when he finally came in he was a belligerent, drunk ass. We finally called a local cop, friend of the family, to come over and intervene. It was probably a good move. My life could have taken a very unpleasant turn otherwise.
Things got better as I moved into adulthood. I realized that I was quite the "little shit" coming up, and their first child together and they did their best, under the circumstances. They both came from pretty dysfunctional family situations. Dad mellowed a bit, with age. We got along much better after I hit my 20's, but occasionally we still had our battles. Some real hum-dingers. I never really spent much time with him. Everything changed abruptly when he found out he had six months to live. He found a zest for life that I had not seen for years. He did more in the last year than he'd done in five prior. We painfully awaited the inevitable but were pleasantly surprised when six months passed and Dad was still going strong. And then another six before he finally passed.
I began to work on cleaning out some of the emotional baggage I'd been carrying around for so many years. I sat by his hospital bed, on his potty chair, talking with him for hours. I brought him his favorite foods, and prepared his favorite baked treats. We made up for alot of lost time.
My funniest memory of the last year with Dad was the day he wanted to get outside but was pretty weak. Determined to accomplish this I managed to get him into the wheelchair, secured him to it with the tie from his robe, and was able to get him out into the fresh air for the last time before he died. the funny part was that I hit a bump and nearly dumped him out of the wheelchair on the sidewalk! Another funny memory; Dad, determined not to miss out on anything we were saying behind his back, mounted a rearview type mirror on his hospital bed rail. When he died, we all wanted that mirror. I believe my sister Lesa was the one who took away that prize. I chose a pad he had used to write daily notes, until the writing became so scrawled it was impossible to read, a hand-grip exerciser he used from time to time, and some wife beaters that still held his scent in the fibers. Unusual momentos, but Dad was an unusual man.
If we had not had advance notice of his approaching death, I would have missed out on all that. All the places in my heart that were so hard, softened up with each hour I spent with him.
I was with Dad just before he died. He was incoherent, but I sensed that he could still hear me. I held his hand and asked God to take him and end the suffering. And very soon, He did just that. I wasn't there when he took his last breath, and I think that was best for me. My last memory of him was not one that would haunt me as viewing his final breath has haunted my older sister, Lesa. I was at the funeral home making final arrangements so that Mom wouldn't have to go through it. The call came through to the conference room where I sat going over papers. Itwas over. The hourglass had finally dropped it's last grain of sand.
So I say with all my heart, if there are any fences that need mending in your life, NOW is the time. There may not be a tomorrow.
I was able to do some video interviews with Dad before he died. I had a book called "The question book for Mom and Dad" to guide us through some pretty thought provoking conversations. One of the best times I had with the camera was taping him getting a haircut in the middle of his living room and flirting up a storm with the little gal who was cutting it, just weeks before he died. Priceless!
As for Kim, I'm not ready. I feel like the last few years I've been through the emotional ringer and am just beginning to get my bearings again. Effects of the aging process are becoming more evident every day. Things just don't work as well as they used to. The creases in my once smooth face are reminders that time is moving far too fast. I wasn't prepared to feel this way but I'm fighting it "kicking and screaming". And in the end.....none of it will make amount to a hill of beans because what will be, will be. I'll just do my best to do my part and try to be as kind to myself as I can. Losing the weight will be a great help and I am making slow but steady progress.
I believe that Abraham Lincoln said something like "A man is jut about as happy as he sets his mind to be". I've been much happier lately and am learning more and more where the keys to that happiness are hidden. I worry that Craig won't be taking this journey with me. We've been inseparable for 15 years but these days our interests are drifting in opposite directions. I never thought it would happen, and I hope that we can work things out. I feel that we can with time, communication, patience. But I can't go back. I won't waste time that is ticking away at breakneck speed. I want to learn, and grow and experience, and go, and teach, and love and find deep peace within myself. (WHEWW!) Then perhaps I will be better equipped to leave this earth, and go to whatever destination lies ahead, be it reincarnation, heaven, or simply being reduced to worm food.
**Rosie, I need to come to Tombstone! I just may take you up on that offer one day soon! LOL
