1:41 p.m. - 2005-08-21
Silver Linings
The Dr. visit this week brought good news. Thank God. My Total Cholestrol was down to 144 and my bad was 79. Last time I think total was 190 and bad was 99. 99 is the top of the acceptable range. I was elated. My blood pressure was good. I have lost 5 pounds since the last visit....about 12 all together now. I feel great about the prospect of actually following this thing through this time. I hate to even say that.....but....I need to lose about 40 pounds minimum....50 maximum and that freaks me out when I think of picking up a small child and that being the amount of weight I am dealing with on my person every hour of every day. Frightening. I tried to jog a little last night while walking but it's just too much for my knees. I don't want to screw up the hard work I've done by messing myself up. I am addicted to the walking now and hate when I miss. I love sweating. Just love it....Oh, unless of course I'm dressed to go out, or working and then it gets to be a little embarassing...
I told Dr. I was smoking and she wasn't happy about it but I assured her it made the walk much more enjoyable and I tend to walk longer...haha Staring off into space...looking at the pretty birdies, other people's yards etc. It cuts through the "static", and allows me to just "be". It's hard to get there sometimes these days.
I went up to WalMart to get a shower gift at 8 a.m. yesterday thinking it was a safe time, nobody I knew would be out that early. I looked a mess! Hah! I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in years and we just stood there in the card isle and bared our souls. She's been through all the emotional crap and nonsense of the menopausal/midlife stormy seas that I find my boat sailing toward faster every day. When I talked to her I could clearly tell she had evolved. She knows that everyone isn't going to "get" her and hurrah to those who do, and fuck those who don't. Life is too short. I told her I was going to keep her in mind as my inspiration. She also shared with me that she had been involved in a torrid affair with a much younger, buff as hell, dreadlock wearin' black guy. I was impressed. Nice work, gal! She said they would be quite a sight walking through our town....she, an overweight but attractive, silver haired very conservatively dressed white woman with a 35 year old, buff ass, dreaklock wearin' black guy. YO!
She told me that she still desires that special person to be able to depend on for companionship and love but she had learned much more about herself and how to be happy without a man. She loves her work. I was so glad to have this conversation with her. I am sure it was "meant to be". It helps tremendously to share with other women what their voyage was like.
We promised to hook up and do something together...I noticed a local biker campground has Karioke (SP, Rosie?) on Wed. night and I would love to go and have a few drinks. Not a participant, mind you, that would be painful...but I'd love to watch.
Tonight is the Series Finale of Six Feet Under. This has been my favorite show for the last 5 years and I hate to see it end. It's been a good run, a real fun ride. I've seen things on there that I've never seen on tv before..haha The very graphic to the very absurd....and I think my favorite episode was the one where the Mrs. was on a camping trip and mistakenly took Ecstasy thinking it was an aspirin and then floated through the forest having just a lovely time. What a hoot. So Farewell SFU....I'm sure gonna miss ya.
Not doing much this weekend. After my Friday meltdown...(incidently..it was a full moon AND the ponies raced in, along with the emotions of Dad's birthday and other demons plaguing me) I have decided to just take it easy. I fight constantly the idea that I'm being lazy and should be doing something more constructive than sitting out by the pool moving from pool float to patio chair in front of the fan to have a smoke. I worked hard this morning cleaning out the front shrubs and turning the mulch over to "revive" it for a little longer. I want to go to Home Depot later and get some potted flowers to put out front, that way I can ensure that they get adequate water because I can water them individually. My last ones played out and left behind a scraggly bunch of ugliness until today when I finally pulled them. I don't spend as much time perfecting the look out front because it's just the place I pass through to get to the back..haha But if I'm having company next week I want it to look nice.
It's about time to head back out to the pool......
OH, and the Dr. gave me YET ANOTHER pill to take. Wellbutrin to hopefully counter the sexual side effects of the Effexor. Yay. I feel like a guinea pig. There's got to be ONE pill that can calm me down and not leave me a frigid, frustrated lump. Hubby said "Well, you feel better don't you?" I said "Yeah, I do, but would you rather have me sane or have sex?"....he admitted he'd prefer sane.
Was I really THAT bad???? Don't answer that.
