10:51 p.m. - 2005-08-15
There's no other description for this than a Pity Party
Well, I made it through Monday. Had a very nice weekend. I cleaned the deck area, planted some new flowers, and got lots of candles for around the pool. This great weekend made it exceptionally hard to go back to work. Especially now that I have to leave "almost Heaven" for my old work residence "almost Hell". At least I had three good weeks....
But it wasn't too hellish today. Time passed rather quickly and I was glad to get home. I walked four miles today since I didn't get to yesterday because of the shitty weather.
I found out today that the "supplier" that I have been relying on will be laying low for a while. His connection to his connection was involved in a major bust last Thursday. Major. One of the two largest in Daytona Beach history. This guy was running a huge Meth lab out of his house. This has been in the works for a while, and they arrested him along with about 17 other people. This guy is going down for life. So my friend ditched his stuff with another friend and he's temporarily in retirement.
This served as an object lesson to me that I'm relying far too much on it. I thought constantly today, who would I get it from now and what lengths would I go to get it. It's quite the eye opener. As long as I had a constant stream (and I'm not talking heavy usage, a quarter ounce lasted me nearly three months) I didn't think about it much. Sure, I had to take some grief from hubby, but I told myself it was no big deal.
It IS a big deal.
So I called my oldest and dearest friend who also has connections, and plan to make a two hour drive to her house if all other options fail.
I talked with another friend at work, who coincidently had the same connection as I do and I expressed that I was feeling kind of desperate. He said "Hey, we know what makes us happy.....I like to go to my happy place too!" He's right. It does calm me, it cuts through the static and allows me to slow down for a bit and stop the neverending stream of thoughts, most stressful. If I smoke I don't have to think about how I wish I had a family I could relate to in some other manner than the superficial way I relate to my siblings and mom, and they relate to me. I don't think about the fact that I have nobody that I can really call and let loose with about just anything I want to talk about. I don't have to think that I have a 13 year old son who is morphing into a real sarcastic little midget alot of the time. And I don't have to think about how I have ZERO sex drive anymore, since changing meds. Or how my husband despises my occasional cigarrette so much that he needs to degrade me any time he thinks I have been smoking....despite the fact that I never smoke around him.
Do I sound upset? Damn right I am.
I don't care to sit in front of the boob tube any more at night. I'd much prefer to sit out by the pool with candles lit listening to music. Hubby would rather be vegging out in front of almost anything on tv...and then there's his new hobby....photography, which has overwhelmed him at the present time with all kinds of ambition pointed toward that...and he has very little energy or patience after work, son, and his hobby to relate to me...not that he'd want to relate to a pot smoking, cigarrette puffing, peri-menopausal wreck like me anyway.
I had a hot flash today that seared to my soul. I was at work, in front of a fan, fanning myself with cardboard, AND drinking a cold drink and still couldn't cool down fast enough. It's so embarassing to be dripping when everyone around you is at least ALMOST comfortable. The air conditioning system is not adequate for our lobby area so that makes the situation even worse. I'm going to try some recommendations along the herbal line and see if that alleviates any of this. I also have an appointment with the Dr. on Thursday, which I made at 3:30 in the afternoon so THANK GOD I can get out earlier in the evening.
I'm thinking of having the family over on Sunday. My aunt is driving down for the afternoon and it would be easier on my grandmother if I do the entertaining and she comes to my house. She's getting too old to keep up with stuff like that and how many times can you eat take-out pizza???? It should be interesting. My mother says my aunt is just waiting for her mother to die so she can get some money out of her and I thought this was harsh until I heard some of the comments my aunt made like "Mom promised me her car when she died...I hope there's something left (regarding her driving and my apprehension about it). When I told her about Grandmother buying the pressure washer for $99 and Auntie responded "She's bound and determined to spend every penny before she dies." For Christ sake, she bought a fucking pressure washer not a Rolls-Royce! So here it will be...let me set the stage.....my grandmother, who spends 99% of her time bitching about anything she can think of, my aunt who is waiting to cash in on the payroll if she's lucky enough to hit the death lottery and Grandma hasn't been through it in nursing home, etc. My mother, who has enough money to get by comfortably but is bitterly jealous of the attention and devotion my aunt gets from her mother and loathes the fact that her mother has never made her feel like anything she did was really that great. And then there's the bitter feelings my aunt has because my mom is comfortable and she has a bleak future. (COmment about my mom from her: "Your mom has enough money to pay someone to walk for her" when I was expressing my hope that mom would start a fitness regime.) Then you throw in a couple of other characters...(including myself!, and I won't elaborate on the others) and it should make for a real engaging afternoon.
I'm really fuming over the cigarette thing. I was sitting out by the pool, had just smoked a cigarette and hubby came home. He came out and sat down and barked "Get rid of your cigarettes" and my prompt answer back was "Fuck You!". Didn't really start the evening off too well. I told him that if the ashtray bothered him, he could have nicely asked me to move it, not talk to me that way. I pay for this house just the same as he does. If I want to smoke a cigarette out of my nose, mouth , asshole and both ears, he had better back off. I'm dangerous right now. (I can hear the ponies off in the distance.....)
Other than that it was a pretty good day.
Answer this question if you can....."If you didn't know your age, how old would you act?"
Signing off.....
