8:52 a.m. - 2005-07-30
Don't even know what to name this entry
Sitting here with an ever-so-mild hangover. Two beers last night. Pitiful. Trying to decide what to do today. I really need to get out there and do some yard work. I probably wont.
Down another pound. That's about 8 now. I finally am getting the hang. The effects of the Effexor have calmed (THANK GOD) and things are settling down a bit. The biggest thing I'm doing to lose this time (other than walking 2-4 miles per night) is eating VERY light at dinner time. But whatever works at this point.
Mom asked me if I'd read "The DaVinci Code" yet. I told her I had to finish reading the book hubby got me about why I'm so screwed up first then I promise I'll get to it so I can return it. Well, I finished hubby's book last night. It was really good to know that many people suffer from this disabling bad habit just like me. It was helpful to read suggestions about how to halt it when it comes calling (which is most all the time). For instance.....I'm walking along the road in my neighborhood. All I can think about is how fat I feel...wondering how awful I must look wobbling along the road, which is most certainly a serious exaggeration. Then I stopped myself and thought "You fucking dumbass.....you've lost 7 pounds. You're walking every night, sweating your ass off. What more do you fucking want?" So I'm learning how to intervene in my own psychosis. Last night I found myself ruminating (that's the term for what I do) about church. We haven't been for months. I was a teacher for the 1st graders and loved my kids dearly and vice-versa. Every week I drove home stories about how we should be this and do that and why we wanted to be more like Jesus. And then I dropped off the face of the earth for them. No calls, no cards, just WHOOOOOSH~ Ms. Kim is gone. What did they think? Was I a big fat farce? What do I really believe about anything anymore?
Church was always a part of my life. When I was young we were pretty much forced to go. In times of struggle I always seem to run back. But this church had overwhelmed me with it's neediness for money, time etc and we just burned out. Weekend time is short, and we've found ourselves totally enjoying having more time for each other so we haven't rushed to find another church. I don't know if we ever will again. I have so many mixed feelings about religion, and I've seen alot of bullshit regarding churches. It kind of puzzles me why you need a 5 million dollar building on every corner (or more?). Everyone wanting to force their "brand" of religion down everyone elses whatever. So I'm drifting in the spiritual pond. I'm really not even drifting. I'm more just basking in the sunshine half a mile or so from the pond. Maybe I'll get to the pond soon.
I used to do so much that I amazed even myself. Cooking meals for the sick, giving gifts, mailing cards, attending this and that. I hardly had time to do anything for myself. Now I have TOO much time on my hands. If I were busier thinking about other people or helping someone else, I'd have less time to "ruminate" about stupid issues that don't amount to a hill of beans anyway. So I have to find some middle ground.
Daughter #2 called me yesterday. She graduated from her class at the airline and she got top sales for her group. I was very proud of her. Sometimes I can't even believe this is the same kid I wanted to kill myself over when she was 16. When I saw the picture she sent me yesterday of her in the hot tub, cleavage all over the place, big sweet smile and glass of wine in her hand, I knew it was the same kid. I immediately went back in my mind to the trip down the runway during her senior year (?) fashion show where she bounced down and stopped at the end just long enough to shake her boobs from side to side a few times, then turned and walked away. Hubby and I were stunned and horrified. Not the picture you want of your teen in the midst of small town america....haha. Now I admire her boldness to a degree. At least she's herself. SHe's real. She's compassionate, and loving, and beautiful, and she's my daughter. Gives me hope. She sure didn't get those characteristics from her cold hearted, everything is black and white, no sense of humor or emotion father. The best of her and the worst of her comes largely from ME. I guess that was the biggest reason whe fought so long and hard during her teen years.
It will be interesting to see how Son develops. He's a carbon copy of hubby. That's probably a good thing. I wouldn't want to see my personality on a guy. Although.....his dad has always had a very keen sensitive side too....crying at movies with me, very thoughtful, etc. Probably comes from being an only child to two very normal, loving parents. Near picture perfect upbringing....could have been Leave It To Beaver.
Ok, I'm losing even myself. I'd better get moving and start the day.
