3:36 p.m. - 2005-07-10
Rantings on a Sunday Afternoon
Sitting here on a rainy Sunday afternoon looking over a fairly clean house, nice glowing candles, great music and relaxing. Coldplay right now. And a little buzzed. Okay, more than a little.
This is so enjoyable....I wish I didn't have such an internal (and external) battle with it. Hubby won't smoke. Isn't interested at all. Been there, done that. Another point of contention there...he hates the smell. (I find the smell rather interesting, not offensive ??) But OH the sex is definitely better. Age old defense for me....."You know it frees me of inhibitions, honey?" So I stopped smoking for a long while...but recently when things got a little hairy at work and I was wound tighter than a tick, I gave in and got back to it again.
Where was I.....OH, just enjoying the afternoon. Weather though dreary, is cooler sitting outside and watching the very small effects of the outer bands of Good Ol' Dennis. I wonder how Pensacola is coming along? I guess we got lucky with this one. Still so many blue tarps on homes in the area where I work. I told Hubby this morning I don't think I can face three months (or more??) of these minute-to-minute reports. I'm older and wiser this year....won't jump up and run so quickly. (Although Biloxi was nice to visit!) Hell, I've already planned every second of leave I have for this year so I better not miss any work. And God knows the post office is the last to let ANYONE off for anything like that....so I'll probably need a boat at some point to get home from work. I remember a few years back wading in knee-deep water home when we had exceptionally heavy rainfall. Oh, and Hubby out in the yard trying to dam it up before we got swamped. Luckily the highest it came was a foot or two into the driveway. We're on a little higher lot in this house.
OHMYGOD I've turned into my father. Rambling on and on about the tiniest detail of shit nobody even cares to hear. I remember during the early months of my married life (Husband #1) that he used to plop down on my couch freely with a six-pack to bitch and moan about whatever problems he was having with my mother. ON and ON and ON and ON. God Bless him....he did what he could with what he had but he was somewhat a tortured soul....and sometimes a torturer...haha
Ok, back to today....shit. I'm sitting here and looking around my house and thinking.....I walk through this room (living/dining) every night when I come in from work, and I never really look at the room. It's like we have this huge space that we don't use, like it's this huge IMAGINARY space because we float through it like it's not even there. So I jumped up and stood at the door and just took it all in. Looking at the couches, pillows, over to the table and lamp. No decorating genius, but nearly every piece has a memory. It's a pleasant enough place. Simple. I must use that room. Maybe to curl up with a book, or just listen to music.
I cooked oodles of homemade rolls this morning. Great, huh? Evil carbs! I said to my son as I buttered one, "I never met a carb I didn't like". Sigh....how true. Anyway...I made them for a friend who was supposed to stop by this afternoon. She goes nuts over them. After smoking though, I was kind of hoping she wouldn't make it as I took just a little more of a buzz than I thought I would. I'll take the rest of them to work after dinner tonight and give them to whomever I feel is worthy of them. I had my fill. I'm ashamed to admit I ate 3. But who can resist the taste of freshly baked bread and real butter? Not MY arteries.
I drank beer last night. Three. Again, I confirmed that alcohol is not my friend, even in small doses. Wine gives me a headache, I just do not like the way alcohol makes my body feel. I much prefer weed and I wish that it were legal and acceptable as alcohol. I woke with a nasty headache and Hubby was certain to remind me that If I'd had a glass of water before bed, I'd probably feel much better. Nothing a couple of Tylenol couldn't cure.
So now it's getting to mid-afternoon...I feel guilty just winding down and doing nothing. That's sad, huh? Yesterday I was floating around in the pool and I caught glimpses of pleasure I haven't felt in a while. Remember when we were kids and everything was bright and new....everything was an adventure. Funny how that gets tarnished over the years. But for a while yesterday, and in the past few weeks, I've had more of these moments. Taking time to really stop and take in the moment. How did I get so off track?
Ok, I can't follow this anymore. I'm listening to Dave Matthews and getting too involved in the music to concentrate so I'm gonna go dance or putz around or swim or something.....
