1:26 a.m. - 2005-05-26
The Return of Mr. Hyde
Okay, I'm fucking pissed now. While trying to download pics, I erased not ONE but two entries. And they were pretty damn good ones at that. And I'm too tired to even hope to recreate them but I'm damned if I'm not going to post SOMETHING to put those little sonofabitching pictures up. So here goes.
Didn't make it to work today. The morning started out by me slipping on the bathroom floor
(our builder didn't believe in glassing in the shower we haven't gotten around to doing anything about it yet) In a "slow-motion-like" move till I was down on my hands and knees. Little ouch, nothing severe but probably some more serious aching tomorrow. I made it about five miles from home heading to work and just had a little mini breakdown. I felt shitty, and didn't feel like I could bear feeling shitty AND dealing with vile negativism that has been rampant in our office. So I called in, and made a Dr.'s appointment for later in the afternoon.
Dr. got to see Mr. Hyde today. She saw Dr. Jekyll about three weeks ago and was very impressed. By the time I left the office everyone was practically high-fiving me. I was on top of the world. Today I was reduced to tears. I slumped in, and I didn't come out much more jovial. I'm losing it. Again. I'm so tired of this roller coaster. Dr. attributed it to a combination of poor eating and no exercise last week and probably the effects of Prozac finally completely out of my system. I quit fairly cold-turkey, and this is the first melt-down I've really had...this week. Anyway...she wrote me a note for tomorrow...and prescribed Phentermine for me. OH BOY! Another pill to trade out for the Prozac! I guess she knows, like I do, that losing some of the extra 60 pounds I am carrying around, would do wonders for my mood, and health. So I'll try it and see how it works. She promises loads of energy! Oh, and just the tiny chance that it might cause heart problems for me...haha
So I have a couple days off BEFORE my couple days off. Works for me. I am glad that I have given my co-workers an opportunity to stop talking about Paula's absenteesim, by giving them someone else to bitch about. Luckily I get to spend some time at the other place next week. I'm ready. Weirdness and all, it beats what I've been dealing with hands-down. Too bad I couldn't really let go and enjoy them because I feel so anxious about my return and possible discipline for absenteeism. I have now passed the three in 90 days mark. Argggghhhhhh But I have been fearful this week that I'm going to say something or do something that I'm really going to regret so I guess that will be the possible lesser of two evils.
Speaking of evil....my trip with Grandma is fast approaching. Mom hasn't missed a chance to tell me how miserable I'm going to be. (She's a little jealous that after spending thousands on trips with her mother, that the highlight of her last ten years will probably be this little jaunt to the mountains to see those damn flowers!) I probably will have my hands full. Mom said Grannie expects me to deal with every detail of this trip right down to the luggage tags and I'll tell you, I'm used to being the one who is taken care of. Hubby is great there.
The only saving grace is that I might come home with some insight, some real glimpse of something more than the embittered old woman who spent most of her life wishing she'd had another one.
Pic of Mom/Grandma in New Orleans. Should have seen her face when I showed her the penis necklaces....Whooooo boy! Pleasant looking isn't she???
I do remember happiness with her in my childhood...but I also vividly remember her telling me that she'd never loved my grandfather and how much he annoyed her. For 50 PLUS years! Sorry, not this gal. I wouldn't have lived in time for anything....the period of "you make the best of it.....and just stay in the marriage regardless."
Had a nice evening with Hubby. Set the atmosphere, getting into things very nicely....VERY nicely....and then KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Son at door. Daughter #2 is on the phone. After finally getting the picture....he left and went back and told #2 "They're doin it". Nice huh? It really kind of broke the mood. And what was so urgent? Daughter #2 wants ideas on what to name her new dog. I could have KILLED her. But she is in Arizona, and it's three hours difference there....not the 10:30 it was here!
It's funny....I know my kids are appalled to think I'm having sex...much less ENJOYING it. I remember when Mom and Dad returned from the Bahamas and told us it really WAS better there! We were mortified too. But I wonder if Mom ever really had an orgasm that wracked her body with so much pleasure she felt as if she was going to explode? Did she ever really let go and experiment with new things? Or WAS she the "cold bitch" my dad referred to her in times of anger? (Oh yeah....my childhood was loads of fun more times than I care to remember) I'll probably never know because if I asked her she'd probably never give me a decent answer. I am very thankful for the sexual awareness that surrounds us today.
Looking forward to another weekend camping. Should be lots of down time to read, relax, and hopefully FISH this time. I do enjoy it...as you can see. (don't worry kids, no fish were killed in the making of this picture)
