11:12 p.m. - 2005-05-02
Why do we hurt the ones we love/God I love My Job!
I couldn't go to bed tonight without unloading some of the crap of the day. Today had to be the worst day I've had in weeks (maybe months).
It all started this morning with the usual ritual of getting Zach up for school. I woke him, then left my phone alarm on set for 5 minutes later on his bed. I continued getting myself ready and about 5 minutes before we were to drive to school he shows up at my bedroom door, wrapped in a towel and crying. (He's 12, and a very MATURE 12 most of the time so this was highly irregular and I should have been tipped off that something was truly wrong!) I felt pretty lousy this morning, barely was able to drag out for my walk so the stage was set for drama to break out pretty easily. I asked him what was wrong and he half sobbed "I can't find anything to wear". And I did what any loving mother would do.....I looked at him and in a very angry voice said "Why are you crying like a G--damn baby?" My head was doing the 360 and everything. From there it was all a blur. What was really going on was that he had been working up to a good sick for a few days and I'd forgotten that in the midst of my own woes of feeling far below par myself. He WAS upset because he couldn't find clothes but that had very little to do with his reaction.
I took him back to bed, and helped him get some medicine...then apologized profusely and tried feebly to attempt to right the wrong. I felt like a huge pile of crap.
Later I called him from work to see how he was and to inform him that I'd flogged myself emotionally most of the morning and told him how MY reaction was partially because of how lousy I felt and also the frustration of how we go through this little dance every morning before school, or at least MOST every morning. He vowed forgiveness and I felt a little better but the memory of the horror lives on. I have NEVER talked to him that way. He must have been really crushed. Hubby says I've done all I can and I need to move on but it's difficult because the scene brought back so many hurtful memories of mistakes I made with his older sisters, before I figured alot of things out. Those days were really psychotic....and I've had to watch the girls unravel the mess we all went through as they grow up. At least I'm more aware now....more rational about mistakes and why they happen, and what to do when they do. But still the guilt is there at least a little....
Then at work I couldn't find my badge, got locked out of work, was running late from the drama earlier, had a run-in with a co-worker. That's a whole volume of material in itself. I work beside Mr. "lost in the 50's". He ONLY allows HIS music to be played in the office - no compromises. He is very opinionated and voices his frequently to spin me up. Add to all that one chicken on the customer counter that sings "Singing in the rain" whenever someone decides to push the button, one birdie in a cage that tweets whenever anyone makes a noise, and a talking mailbox. Way too much to deal with under the circumstances. I was primed for the attack on Mr. 50's since I was already in no mood for it today and I was vicious. Not a good thing since I have to work with him again tomorrow.
Work was crazy with the mother's day rush, hardly a moment to catch your breath between customers. After leaving one office to work at another there were all new issues there to deal with. A friend's grief in dealing with the untimely death of her cousin (at 16) was all too evident at first glance and my heart was breaking for her. Every crazy in the town came to my window today. One guy was rambling in his thick foreign accent about my red hair glowing like the flame in his heart or something (I could only understand bits and pieces). During most of the conversation I continued to finish the transaction, mumbling Hmmm, or Oh, Yeah, or anything I could to try and convince him I was really getting what he was saying. Until he said "You are not listening to me" or something like that. This is the fellow who brought me a "gift", a shirt/skirt outfit a few years ago for something I did for him regarding his mail. A nice gesture but a very WEIRD outfit for sure.
So hitting the time clock at the end of the day was quite a relief. I'd just spent 15 minutes of overtime trying to help a co-worker track down a $200 money order she'd lost and will probably have to pay for. (In addition to the one she lost about a month or so ago for $500). That was some high drama at the end of the day as well. All I could say to her was "I know, I know" as she ranted uncontrollably to which she replied "I KNOW DOESN'T DO ME ANY GOOD!" Nice. Maybe next time I'll just hang back and let her rant and look for her own damn money order.
Tomorrow has to be a better day.
