9:51 a.m. - 2012-01-28
Blessed
On my way to Wisconsin. Really love Southwest! $5 Internet, nice leather seats, and a whole row to myself!

It's been a good week. Absolutely loving my place. Found myself looking forward to next Christmas already and thinking about decorating! And I've had a couple of successful dates with Nancy. Jenn is a great friend, could be more some day. And Darlene is an intriguing new interest. Lol...I do not stand still!

I feel great! Full of energy and anxious to see the springtime come, and more exercise time!!!

Everything is moving in a very positive direction. But I still have alot of moments where I lapse into self flagellation. Blame, shame, regret. I've stopped looking at Dianas Facebook page but I still get this very unrealistic vision of her alot. A vision of a kind, compassionate, beautiful brown eyed girl who adored me. One who only presented for a very short time before the rigid, judgmental, self consumed and materialistic Diana surfaced. The one who took pleasure in "breaking" me, and accused me of trying to start a fight every time I tried so hard to get her to understand my feelings. She was incapable. She has ruined so many things for me, at least for now. Music I enjoyed, memories of Paris, even turtles. I wish I could wipe every trace of her from my mind. But in retrospect, I do know that two things she did for me were probably worth the pain I still experience. The ability to KNOW that no feelings will lure me into infidelity again, and the appreciation of women. I look forward to the day when I can feel the warm, soft embrace of a caring woman again but can't even imagine it at this point. The first person I've even remotely thought about this with is Darlene. She returns on Sunday and will respond to a couple of emails I will have sent by then. She is excited to get to know me more. And this is fun, seeing winks and so much interest on Match.com. Even when I didnt feel my best, the universe sent a wonderful gentleman in to tell me I was beautiful yesterday. :). I know that beauty starts within, and the glow is returning. I always want to rush things though....instant gratification. I need to really work on two things....patience and staying in the moment. Things are so good for me in reality now. If things should really go south at work, I'm considering going back to school. Not sure what I'll do, but I feel ready to accept a challenge.

For now though, I'm going to love on my grand babies, lend an ear to my daughter, and practice gratitude. I am blessed.

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